A Matter of Perspective …
…Toxicity
Exploring the casual use and application of the terms toxicity and narcissism, often by those who are referring to others being selfish, thoughtless, self-centred, neurodivergent, distracted and so on. All are aspects of being human …
Labelling another without reflection and consideration avoids personal responsibility, by looking for external validation by blaming and shaming those we perceive to be the perpetrators.
And this is the paradox. Those who are victims of narcissistic abuse, especially in childhood, will often have developed narcissistic traits as a survival mechanism., so we need to look to the roots, the soil and the environment …
I was delighted to find so much colour around in the woods in the early winter, now I’m back in the Scottish Highlands. As a forager I’m used to paying attention to the land, what’s growing and how both the seasonal and annual weather fluctuations have affected this. So even though I’ve been away for a few months, I can read the terrain well.
This had me reflecting during my walk about an exchange in a foraging forum, where I shared an opinion about not doing a taste and spit test with certain deadly poisonous fungi, which some were recommending as OK.
Others had addressed this but had wrongly identified a mushroom classified as simply poisonous, as deadly poisonous. I was clear and direct on both issues with those concerned, though neither were prepared to consider what I was saying, preferring to stay with their already formed opinions. And I wasn’t going to enter into a debate over it. It was a public forum, I stated my opinion and from there it is up to others to do their own research and draw their own conclusions.
And here’s the thing - these people had personal opinions based on their own experiences which they are entitled to have.
Nibbling a bit of Death Cap and surviving is great if you’re a strong healthy individual with robust liver and kidneys … but that may not apply to everyone. As a guide it is my responsibility to ensure people stay safe and can identify a Death Cap without having to do a taste test - I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone at all. If an individual does their research understands the chemistry and their own body well enough to take the risk they do so at their own peril - but to then assume that that would be OK for everyone is, to me, beyond foolhardy.
And my thoughts broadened into the many parallels of Toxicity and Guidance within our human experience.
What has become clear to me is that though our personal experience is relevant, and may serve as a supportive example for someone, this is not the same as being a guide to support another in finding their own wisdom.
When does our personal experience shift into a gift so that we can guide others through their own experience ? I feel ‘through’ is the key word here, when we have passed through an experience we are no longer triggered by it. I know many guides, myself included, that use personal experience to illustrate dynamics and issues - as well as a path through. They may be current or past experiences, but we share from a place of objectivity ( or attempt to) and a desire to heal and move on, supporting others to do the same.
What we are not doing is inviting others to join us in the looping, looking for external validation by blaming and shaming those we perceive to be the perpetrators.
In the past few months I have had several conversations with friends around the casual use and application of the terms toxicity and narcissism, often by those who are referring to others being selfish, thoughtless, self-centred, neurodivergent, distracted and so on. All are aspects of being human and I’m sure we’ve probably all displayed some of these behaviours and traits at some point in our lives.
For those who’ve had genuine experience of toxicity and narcissism, the loose use of this terminology, this need for attention and drama, undermines our experiences.
Labelling another without reflection and consideration avoids personal responsibility. And, conversely, to feel validated starts cycling in their own narrative, which potentially creates more toxicity.
Yes the challenge of anothers toxic behaviour is very real, as are the reasons that the challenge is there in our lives. And I don’t mean this in a dismissive ‘New Age’ way either.
For me I often find when I see apparent toxicity - I look for the mirror first. What is being reflected back to me ? These days I find the mirror is more of a magnifier, like a great mythological quest - the pattern is expanded so that it can be seen clearly … and what I am being shown may be so subtle I wouldn’t see it unless I am being objectively honest with myself. I take away the story and find pattern or dynamic, breaking it down into simple pieces ready to alchemise. Like certain mushrooms - what may be toxic to one, may not be to another. So called ‘ red flags’ can be very individual.
And so this may mean that it is a dance of two, rather than just one being in the wrong. In Processwork psychotherapy they use the term ‘dreaming up’ rather than using terms like projection and transference which seem to pathologise or blame and shame one person in the dynamic.
We are living in the selfie generation - which could be seen as the age of narcissism. So what is really going on?
As we emerge from times when the societal pendulum swung from the subjugation of women, children, people of colour, religion, non-heterosexual choices and more -
dominated by a patriarchal system. It swung to glamourisation, with looks and status being important surface narcissism had value - to be honest it feels as if the patriarchal system was still trying to control the pendulum.
This is a dance … and part of the process … though interestingly the looping created by the attention received may stall this as the ‘victim’ now has their own narcissistic traits to work through.
As mentioned earlier, sometimes those attempts to be validated in an experience displays toxic behaviour.
And this is the paradox. Those who are victims of narcissistic abuse, especially in childhood, will often have developed narcissistic traits as a survival mechanism.
In keeping with the fungi theme - there is a group of mushrooms called ‘deceivers’ who pretend to be toxic as their defence mechanism ! Children, like plants, don’t have the ability to move from abuse and change their environment and so have to adapt. And for many of us who have experienced this, becoming or being accused of being narcissistic is our greatest fear and so we develop strong core values, underlying any perceived behaviour, that are vastly different. We are so used to not being seen that to believe others may see our true value is incomprehensible. It takes enormous courage to develop self-confidence coming from these environments - only to find ourselves in a world that may confuse that confidence with narcissism.
Let’s not blame the leaves for the disease - we look to the roots, the soil and the environment something is growing in. Toxicity in mushroom and other plants can be seen as a defence mechanism. Though we all have choice, even when that seems limited - how can we blame someone for the environment they have grown in ?
From one perspective we are all victims of narcissism.
Those of us who have well developed, conscientious, robust psychological and spiritual disciplines and strategies, that have guided us through our healing often have far more privilege than we realise. At least one person came who made a difference, one situation, something inside of us that drove us, became a guiding light carrying us in those directions and through the choices we made. And with that privilege comes responsibility. It may not feel like it when we compare ourselves to the current societal system - but we are not here to do that … we are here to change it.
We are here to change the environment, to alchemise the soil and so reduce suffering for ALL.
Our talents and gifts don’t make us better than others - they are blessings to help us make the world better for others.
With much love,
from my heart and hearth to yours,
Tania Aurora White Crow